On procrastination
I’m writing this to avoid writing something else.
I’ve procrastinated basically my whole life. I remember desperately not wanting to do my “homework” right after getting home from kindergarten, despite my dad telling me, rightfully, that I should just get it out of the way and then enjoy the rest of my afternoon. In high school and college, I always did the heavy lifting on big projects—if not the whole project—the night before. I mean, there were a handful of times I didn’t work this way, sometimes by my own volition and sometimes because a teacher or professor imposed mini-deadlines along the way. I was always happier and prouder of my work when I spread it out more. That didn’t even necessarily mean spending any more time on it than I would have in one night-before push. But I certainly spent less time feeling bad about myself when I didn’t procrastinate.
I know this and I procrastinate anyway, though not like I used to. It’s been years since I tried to write anything of substance in one sitting, let alone very late at night. I’ve broken the habit of scrolling endlessly through Twitter; much to my own shock I have to admit my relationship with social media is pretty healthy at the moment. Instead I’ll do “productive” things, like cooking or writing this newsletter. But I still won’t do what I’m supposed to be doing and actually want to do.
We’re taught all the wrong things about procrastination. We’re told we do it because we’re lazy. That what we need is better time management skills, or more willpower. That if we just had more self control we wouldn’t get ourselves into these situations. That to fix it, we have to be even harder on ourselves.
I’m here to tell you: It’s not true. Backing me up is the New York Times, with the breath of fresh air on this subject we all need:
Procrastination isn’t a unique character flaw or a mysterious curse on your ability to manage time, but a way of coping with challenging emotions and negative moods induced by certain tasks — boredom, anxiety, insecurity, frustration, resentment, self-doubt and beyond.
“Procrastination is an emotion regulation problem, not a time management problem,” said Dr. Tim Pychyl, professor of psychology and member of the Procrastination Research Group at Carleton University in Ottawa.
I’m not procrastinating on my Very Big Project because I’m lazy, or because I don’t want to do it. I’m not even procrastinating on it because it’s hard. I’m procrastinating on it because I’m terrified. I’m terrified that it won’t be good enough. And of course the first draft of a kind of project I’ve never done before is going to be bad. I’ve been through this cycle enough times to know that the shitty first draft is an integral and unavoidable part of the process. But with projects like news stories or feature articles, I also know I can get to the end of the tunnel with something I’m proud of, because I’ve done it dozens or hundreds of times before. (Also, and this is just as vital, I completely trust my regular editors to help me get to the other side with my ideas and my dignity intact.) This is the first time I’m trying a Very Big Project. Every time I open the file I’m teetering on the precipice of failure and staring right into the hungry maw of my worst fears about myself and my abilities. Of course I’m going to open another file and write something that makes me feel good instead. It’s self harm that feels like self preservation.
This is where I tell you how I went from someone who procrastinates on everything to someone who procrastinates only on the really hard and scary things. Yes, I got a Planner Pad and read Deep Work and got off Facebook. Yes, I close my inbox when I’m writing and don’t allow push notifications on my phone. Yes, I break all my projects into tiny chunks, and yes OF COURSE I find people who will impose deadlines on me. But the thing that really helped me—the only thing that finally addressed the root causes of my damaging perfectionism and not just its symptoms—was therapy. If you see yourself in any of this or have ever felt doomed to relive the same destructive procrastination spiral over and over again for the rest of your life, I really encourage you to seek it out. It’s the only reason I can conceive of trying my Very Big Project at all. And now I’m going to open that file, feel scared I won’t be able to do it, and do it anyway.
Recommendations
“The Arrogance of the Anthropocene.” Peter Brannen’s most recent tour-de-force about geological time and the incredibly conceited idea that humanity will leave behind any trace of ourselves. I also loved his book The Ends of the World, about the five mass extinctions in Earth’s deep past.
#Vanlife gets the New Yorker treatment. I re-read this recently and it remains one of the most haunting portrayals of how economic precarity has shrunk my generation’s dreams. And I say that as someone who would genuinely love to live in a trailer.
Wolf Hall. The TV show only! I’m embarrassed to admit this in a semi-public forum, but I didn’t like the universally acclaimed book and abandoned it halfway through. But now we’re gobbling up this BBC adaptation, several years behind schedule. The outfits alone make it worth the watch. I love costume design that makes no attempts to render period clothing fashionable to modern tastes. Those hats! I’m screaming!! WHAT EVEN IS THE 16TH CENTURY!!!!
